I’ve been really back and forth on whether or not I wanted to write this post.
I’m very big on leaving the past where it belongs, so I was hesitant to bring up old “war stories”.
But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I wish I had read something like this to open my eyes sooner than they did…to show me what I was doing.
How I Nearly Ruined My Marriage, and
You Might Be Too
Becoming a Mom was the best thing that has ever happened to me, but it was also the hardest.
I was very much someone that knew who I was based upon what I did. So when I left the workforce to stay home and become a cooking, cleaning, milk-factory (sorry, but it’s true!), I lost my sense of self.
Not knowing how to deal, or what to grab onto for hope, I took control. And I don’t mean I got ahold of myself and figured things out…I took control of my house!
So many wives/mothers go down this long bumpy road, and before they know it they are lost and don’t know how to get back to where they started…who they used to be…I was lucky.
One day my Dad and Brother were at our house helping with some renovations while my hubby was at work. Emotions were escalating as they continued to do things in a different way than I had asked them to do it, and in the midst of a heated “discussion” with my brother I shouted “WHY WON’T YOU JUST DO WHAT I ASKED…”…I called him by my husband’s name.
At that very moment I took a step back, and realized that I was in such a routine of “giving orders”, my brain didn’t even care who I was giving them to!
I shut down that night, completely closed myself off from everyone and buried myself in recollections of all the times I got angry because things weren’t being done my way, or according to the schedule I planned out.
It was heartbreaking to realize what I had been doing to my husband, the love of my life, for years, and even more terrifying to think that if I hadn’t seen it by accident that day, our marriage would have ended eventually, and it would have been all my fault.
Unfortunately, my story is not an original, because many of you out there are having the same problem, you just may not have had your “slap in the face” like I got yet…but it’s coming!
They say hindsight is 20/20, and I can tell you that I see things a lot clearer now that I’m out of the fog!
Here are some red flags to look out for…
- Feeling like your husband is an extra child
- Feeling like you need to direct him how to do simple tasks
- Feeling resentment when you have to pick up the pieces
- Jumping in and giving your “two cents” when he’s parenting
- Correcting your husband in front of others/the kids
- Double checking plans your husband has made, or even jumping IN on the conversation to make sure he does it “right”
These are just a few things that blindsided me that day, and if any of these look familiar to you…listen up!
- Your husband knows how to do what you ask him to, so stop telling him!
He survived before he met you, and could do it again, so stop telling him how to go about his days!
Constantly telling someone how they should do something takes away their need, as well as desire, to figure it out on their own.
I promise you, if you back off the directions and leave him to it, you’ll see you don’t have an extra child, you were creating one!
Give your guy a chance to surprise you!
- When it comes to parenting, you must always always stand united!
Your children need a strong foundation to grow on, and bringing him down by criticizing his methods in front of the children not only demeans him, but shows your children a lack of respect for other people’s opinions, as well as the commitment you made when you got married.
- Trust him!
Trust that he’s looking out for the best interests of you and your family. Trust that he will always come through for you in the end, even if you feel like he’s taking the long way around. Trust him the way you trusted him the day you said you would spend the rest of your life with him…he must have done something right to get you there!
- Stop complaining, it wastes the time and energy of both you, and the person listening to it!
I could find an endless list of things to complain about when he’d come home from work and I was sleep deprived, covered in spit-up, and hadn’t seen another adult in a week, but it would get us nowhere!
All that would happen is that after rehashing the day’s events, I would feel all of that frustration all over again, and now I was sharing that feeling with him too!
Obviously there will be times where you need to vent, and your spouse is the best person to do that with, but make sure that it is “vent-worthy” before diving right in when they walk through the door!
The old rule of thumb works nicely here…If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all!
After much reflection, as well as eye opening research, I am proud to say that my marriage is stronger than it has ever been, and I am also happier than ever!
I hope that all of you reading this do not see yourself in my story, but if you do, take a step back, take a breath, and fix it. I did, and you can too.
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